"This is my Timey Wimey Detector. It goes Ding when there's stuff."

"Listen, listen, got to dash, things happening. Well, four things. Well, four things and a lizard."

"Hermits united. We meet up every ten years and swap stories on caves. It's fun, for a Hermit."

"As long as it's not in an office, some fetishes should be kept to yourself."

"That's what I love about Torchwood, chasing the scum of the universe by day. By night you're the wedding fairy."

"Mobiles, landlines, tin cans with bits of string, no phones, phones all broken. Hello? Anyone there? No! Because the phones aren't working!"

"To know about the giggle loop is to become part of the giggle loop."

"I've been to the chemist. I bought every laxative in the shop. What will happen if I take them all at once? Do you think there's a danger of lift off?"

"It's not true! I never use my tongue on people. It's just for stamps and emergencies."

"I've got to go. I'm holding a seminar on Multiple Personalities and it takes me ages to write out all the name tags."

"The other night I dreamt someone abducted my flour sack and the ransomers kept sending me muffins in the mail."

"I've not had a panic attack this bad since I lost all my strength halfway through a revolving door."

"I can just about handle you, driving like a pissed up crackhead and treating women like bean bags. But I'm going to say this once and once only, Gene. Stay out of Camberwick Green!"

"You great... soft... sissy... girlie... nancy... French... bender... Man United supporting POOF!!"

"She's as nervous as a very small nun at a penguin shoot."